Goldfish Memories

"Goldfish Memories & The Murder of Robin Murray O'Hair"

"You cannot pray them out of hell"
- William Murray, son of Madalyn Murray O'Hair
(That's a mean and tawdry way to speak about your family, Bill!)

Welcome back!

About a year ago, I had a very strange dream that involved Hanther, a soft - porn queen and a bottle of beer. I'm sure that sounds like a pretty kinky situation, but, trust me, it was a lot more tame than you might imagine. Actually, it was just...well...bizarre!

In the dream, I was at a meeting of the Mid South Cartoonists Association, and sitting at the table with me was a dark haired actress who usually appears in the soft - core porn broadcast on Cinemax every Friday night. I have no idea what her name is, even though I've occasionally seen her naked.

Is that rude of me?

Anyway, we were both laughing at Hanther, who was sitting at the next table and having enormous trouble opening a bottle of beer. The starlet kept trying to get Hanther to give her the bottle so she could open it, but I told her she should leave him alone. My reasoning ran something like this: If you give an infinite number of monkeys an infinite number of typewriters and an infinite amount of time they will produce the works of Shakespeare. Therefore, we really ought to give Hanther more time to open his beer. The two of them had a good laugh at that.

Then I woke up. I still wonder what it all meant.

I'm not really expecting any of you to write and tell me what my dream meant. I only wanted to get you in the proper frame of mind before I launch into my subject. You see, unlike the rest of the essays I've written lately, this one is going to be a bit different. I'm going to wander off into the wilderness of metaphysics and discuss such topics as innocence, Heaven & Hell, God, atheism, television, the honor of revolutionaries, goldfish and murder, although not in that order. I'm also going to tell you about an embarrassing episode I once had with "The Most Hated Woman in America", the late Madalyn Murray O'Hair!

So, buckle up, gang, and let's begin!

I have never been one to subscribe to the notion that any one particular religion or philosophy can legitimately lay claim to possessing the ultimate truth of existence. I have, in fact, always considered such claims to be the ultimate in arrogance, and pridefulness! My argument against such assertions is always the same: All of the world's dominant religions began in Europe and Asia. And let us say that the Christian assertion that everyone born after the time of Christ must follow his teachings or burn in Hell. What about those people who lived in the Americas and never even heard of Christ until the 1500's? By that reasoning, every single Amerind born in the new world before 1500 went to Hell!

Don't laugh! I've said this to a number of devout Christians who felt entirely comfortable with the concept, and saw no injustice about it whatsoever! Of course, these people also despised Jews, felt homosexuals should be put to death and thought black people shouldn't be allowed to vote, so you get a pretty good idea where their heads are at!

Over time, as I read various religious and philosophical texts, I realized that God would be too smart to put all of his eggs in a single basket and would allow wisdom and salvation to found in a variety of ways. All that would be required of a human being would be a willingness to see it, even if it appeared in some highly unlikely places!

For example, during a recent episode of HBO's prison drama, "OZ", the character of Augustus Hill spoke about the memories of goldfish. He stated that scientists believe that goldfish can only remember the last 30 seconds of their lives. This would mean that if a goldfish is happy, then he thinks he has always been happy. If he's hungry, then he can't remember ever being
full. And, when he's dying...well, you get the idea.

I don't remember the context in which Hill made this observation, but I remember thinking at the time that this was perhaps the best description of innocence that I had ever heard. A goldfish lives completely in the minute: He has no past to ponder or regret, nor does he have a future to contemplate or dread. In spite of how awful an existence this might seem to us, I can't help but wonder if this is how souls in a paradisiacal afterlife might live.

Is the existence that we pray and yearn for after death truly to be like a goldfish? It was while pondering this question that I began regularly watching a program on the Sci - Fi Channel called "Lexx", which, to my surprise, also had something to say on the subject!

In the program's second season, the crew of the starship "Lexx" became trapped in the orbit of two planets called "Fire" and "Water". These worlds revolved so closely around one another that they shared part of their atmospheres, which allowed the inhabitants of Fire to travel to Water by balloon.

That wasn't a good thing! As their names implied, the planets were polar opposites. Water was completely covered by a vast ocean, and it's inhabitants lived in splendid and palatial floating cities. The people there spent their days pursuing a variety of pleasures and were serenely happy. Fire, on the other hand, was a horrible, dry planet, whose surface was covered by deserts and lava flows. The unfortunate inhabitants of this place lived in squalid cities that resembled miles - high smokestacks. Everyone on Fire was cruel, spiteful and insane.

As the season progressed, the crew of the Lexx ran afoul of the ruler of Fire, but were unable to get any real help from the people of Water. One of the crew, an assassin named "Kai", made a telling observation about those living on Water: "They seem to live only in the minute."

Hmmm! Just like goldfish! That's when I realized that Fire & Water weren't just metaphors for Heaven & Hell; They really were Heaven & Hell! It appeared to me that the idea of angels and "saved" souls, living like goldfish is a common one, although I had to wonder why I was never aware of this concept before.

And you may be wondering why I'm thinking about this now! Well, it's because I have recently learned of the murder of someone for whom this wasn't an insignificant issue, although I disagreed with her conclusions. Her name was Robin Murray O'Hair, the granddaughter of the infamous Madalyn Murray O'Hair, with whom I spent an afternoon on a cold winter day in 1989.

Now, you should probably brace yourself, because I'm about to make a startling confession - I once applied for a job with the American Atheist Press, which was operated by the O'Hairs! Yes, it's true! I, Joseph R. Spann, Reagan - Republican and conservative bomb - thrower, was once willing, even hoping, to work for the O'Hairs! I realize that this may cause many of you to question just how conservative I really am, and whether or not I really believe the things I've said in my earlier essays. Fear not, for once I explain what transpired, your minds should be put at ease.

Toward the end of 1988, I had grown disenchanted with Memphis and felt the need to make a change. I decided that I would move to Austin, where I had friends who would be willing to put up with me until I could get established. I had visited there shortly after I graduated from college, and fell in love with it. Austin was a far more dynamic and prosperous city than Memphis and, after a disappointing 5 years in Tennessee, I decided to give Austin a shot.

It turned out to be a bad move. In the late '80's, crude oil prices dropped and Texas suffered an economic downturn. I arrived just as the job market dried up, and finding work became nearly impossible. At the time, I was working as a graphic artist and, while my experience and portfolio were getting me plenty of interviews, no one was willing to hire someone who had only just arrived in the area.

After nearly a month of fruitless job - hunting, I saw the ad! The American Atheist Press needed a graphic artist to prepare their monthly magazine, and they were asking for resumes. By that time, I knew that Madalyn Murray O'Hair was living in Austin and that her organization, American Atheists, Inc.. was headquartered there. I was also fully aware of the kind of material that I would be working with, if I should happen to obtain the position. As a Republican, I understood that I would be exposed to much that I would find personally distasteful and that I would probably have to pretend to be sympathetic to ideas I considered ridiculous.

However, to be perfectly blunt about it, graphic artists are whores. They sell their talents everyday to work on projects they care nothing about. And, even among graphic artists, I was considered a bit slutty. As far as I was concerned, personal feelings were one thing; work was another. Add to this the fact that my savings were rapidly disappearing, and you can understand why I sent the resume! I consoled myself at the time by thinking that, considering the luck I was having, they probably wouldn't respond.

They did. I received a call one afternoon from Robin Murray O'Hair, who, as it turned out, was the editor at AAP. She had liked the look of my resume, and was anxious for me to come out for an interview, which she wanted to have the following afternoon. I agreed and asked her for directions.

"Oh God!" I thought to myself after I hung up. "I hope nobody in my family ever hears about this!" I then told myself that, if I did get the job, I'd lie to everyone and tell them I was working for one of Austin's local papers!

The next afternoon, I drove to the American Atheist Press, which was located in the same building with it's parent organization, American Atheists, Inc.. The building, which is located in a scruffy section of northeast Austin, looked like a strip mall that had been converted into offices. The large windows in the front had mirrored glass in them, which prevented being able to see into the building. There was nothing about the place to indicate who occupied it, and, as Robin had told me on the phone the previous day, there was no sign. The O'Hairs were fearful of vandalism (or worse), so they didn't advertise their presence. In short, the place didn't look the least bit inviting!

When I got to the front door, I discovered that I couldn't just walk in. The doors were kept locked and one had to ring a bell to get a receptionist to open the door. I felt like I was entering an armed camp! The receptionist, who turned out to be pleasant enough, opened the door and inquired who I was and what I wanted. As soon as I told her, she briskly ushered me into the main lobby.

Or, perhaps I should call it "The Shrine", since the room was devoted to images of Madalyn, along with reproductions of her more printable statements. On one wall was a large painting of her, smiling benignly, looking like a sweet little grandmother and not at all like a shrill harridan. As I sat there, waiting for Robin to come and rescue me from this unnerving room, I couldn't help but wonder if hard - core atheists were expected to make pilgrimages to that place and genuflect before Madalyn's painting!

Robin's arrival was heralded by the arrival of one of the O'Hairs now famous Cocker Spaniels, who appeared out of nowhere and began inspecting me in the suspicious manner of which only dogs are capable. I have since learned that most people found their dogs overly aggressive, yet this one quickly warmed to me and even allowed me to scratch it's ear before Robin came in.

She greeted me warmly and, with the dog in tow, we went to her office. After showing her my portfolio and giving her a brief run - down on my experience, she began probing me for my views concerning atheism. Specifically, she wanted to make certain that I understood what the word meant. I assured her that I did, and that there was certainly no confusion on my part on what kind of material I would be working with.

During this interview, I learned several things about Robin - things that most people would never guess. The first was that she was a very good storyteller, with a knack for humor. She told me the story of one teenager the organization had hired, who disappeared after working there for a week. When Robin called him at home to find out why he wasn't at work, he informed her that he was too embarrassed to return. It seemed that this kid had worked there without ever understanding what atheism meant and, that next Sunday, at church, he had proudly informed his pastor that he had found a good job with a company called American Atheists! You can imagine his pastor's reaction to that little piece of news! She and I had a good laugh about that.

I also discovered that, unlike her grandmother and her uncle, Jon, Robin actually liked people. However, because of the endless threats Madalyn received and the constant security precautions required to deal with them, Robin had very limited opportunities to interact with people on a personal level. Her natural inclination seemed to be gregarious and friendly, and she appeared to welcome any chance to be so.

There was also an iron will there. It was widely known in Austin that Robin could be as abrasive as her grandmother and uncle, and could swear like a sailor when her back was up. However, it was also understood that, unlike the other members of her family, who used abuse as their first resort, Robin refrained from doing so unless she was pushed. As a boss, I knew she would be firm, but fair.

After we had spent some more time talking about the position and what would be required of me, Robin decided to give me a tour of the facilities. As we left her office and began moving down a dark hallway, I saw an elderly woman with a walker standing in an office doorway with her back to the hall. She was demanding that whoever was in the office tell her where the toilet paper was. As Robin and I continued down the hall, I got a better look at the woman and realized who it was.

It was Madalyn.

She looked like hell. She was dressed in what appeared to be a house coat and her hair was unkempt. I knew, from reading an article in Texas Monthly, that she was not in the best health, but I really had no idea how frail she really was. Of course, a lot of her condition was due to the hip replacement surgery she had undergone the year before, but I was unaware of that at the time.

I have to admit that I was a bit amused at the sight of her. Here was the infamous Madalyn Murray O'Hair, the Most Hated Woman in America, whose name I had heard invoked my entire life as the living embodiment of evil, having a bad hair day and needing to wipe her ass! The irony of this was almost too much to bear, and I prayed we could get past her without me laughing.

Then, disaster struck! As I've already mentioned, the hallway Robin and I were walking down was not lighted, and the only illumination came from a few open doors. While I was observing Madalyn, Robin's cocker spaniel, which had tagged along with us, stopped directly in front of me and you can guess what happened next: I stepped right on the dog's paw!

Several things happened in quick succession. The dog let out a yelp. I lost my balance and began flailing my arms about to keep from falling on my face. Robin gasped and spun around as if expecting a blow. Madalyn became rigid as a statue and began to tip over on her side, her weight balanced on one foot.

I managed to regain my balance and quickly realized that the situation was very tense. I chose to speak to the dog, saying something like, "Pooch! You can't get underfoot like that!" This put Robin's mind at rest and she gave a small, albeit nervous, laugh.

Madalyn, however, still hovered between regaining her balance and falling over. After a few more seconds of battling gravity, she was able to straighten and landed back on both feet with an audible "thump".

She never turned around. She never spoke to us. She never acknowledged our presence in any way. I knew then that there was no possibility of my getting the job. I had startled the patron saint of atheists and that was an unpardonable sin! Robin knew it as well. From that moment, the spark went out of our conversation and our tour became just...a tour.

That was actually the worst part of the afternoon, because they had the best facilities that I had seen at that point in my career as an artist. It was just rubbing salt in the wound to know that I would never have the opportunity to use them.

When the tour was over, we returned briefly to Robin's office to wrap up the interview, even though we knew there wasn't much point in doing so. She did promise that she would call me and tell me her decision, one way or the other. With that, she escorted me back through The Shrine and, with a handshake and mutual expressions of gratitude for our time and interest, we parted.

I never heard from Robin again. A few weeks later, defeated and broke, I slunk back to Memphis to beg my former employer to take me back. As humiliating as that was, my fate would be far better than poor Robin's. At the time we met, she was only 24, and her life was more than half way over. She had just six years before she was to be kidnapped, tortured and murdered by David Waters and his cohorts. The final hours of Robin's life would be filled with terror, despair and horrible pain. Her mutilated body would be buried in an unmarked grave on a remote ranch, along with her Grandmother and her Uncle.

I know how Robin & Madalyn looked in those last, dreadful hours. In that brief moment in the hallway, I caught a fleeting glimpse of a fear the both of them lived with every day: The fear of deadly, physical assault. The worst fate any human being can suffer is to die in the worst manner he can imagine. For some, dying in a fire is the worst way to go. For others, it's being hit by a car. For the O'Hairs, it was violent murder, and their lives ended in the way they feared the most.

The greatest irony of the O'Hair's story is that the long dreaded blow, when it came, didn't come from without. All of the security precautions they took would ultimately prove useless, for their true enemy wasn't, as they had long assumed, a gun - wielding Christian, but one of their own. David Waters, employed as their Office Manager, occupied a position of trust which he used to betray and murder his former employers.

As I ponder the lives of these people, I cannot help but come to the conclusion that their fate was inevitable. They were doomed to suffer a nasty fate, not because they were evil (in spite of what most would think), but because they failed to understand one brutal fact of life: If you are going to wage war against the society you in which you live, then your only natural allies will be those society rejects, most of whom will be criminals.

The O'Hairs considered themselves to be revolutionaries and champions of the oppressed masses. American society, made lunatic by religion, was the enemy. Therefore, any enemy of society was their friend. When one thinks in this manner, one becomes an incredibly bad judge of character. How else can one explain their hiring Waters, a man who had been convicted of murder and had a long record of violent behavior, including an assault on his own mother?

It doesn't seem possible that the O'Hairs, always concerned about security, were unaware of these facts. Yet, he was able to convince them that he was "one of them" and worthy of their trust. Only when it was far too late did they finally learn that some people are rejected by our society for a damn good reason! People who are at war with society are, in effect, at war with everyone, and they make very bad allies!

In the years following the O'Hair's disappearance, nearly all media attention has focused on Madalyn. Robin and Jon have only been mentioned in passing. For example, when the FBI announced that they had finally identified the bodies, the headline in the paper was "FBI confirms buried bones are those of O'Hair, family." How's that for a crappy epitaph? Robin and Jon are no longer O'Hairs, just "family"! But then, the two of them always lived in Madalyn's shadow.

However, of the two, it is Robin for whom I feel the most pity. She never really had much of a choice in determining the direction of her life. Madalyn raised Robin to be her successor and allowed nothing into her granddaughter's life that would interfere with that plan. For her part, Robin's devotion to her grandmother was absolute. There never appeared to be anyone else in her life, and she was never seen in public without Madalyn. She lived a totally circumspect, sober life and, as far as anyone knows, never even dated. She may have even been a virgin when she died.

Perhaps this is the most ironic part of Madalyn's legacy. For all her radicalism, her devotion to Socialism, Atheism, Feminism and "free love", Madalyn Murray O'Hair raised her granddaughter to be...a nun!

And it's really a pity! Robin was widely considered to by the most competent and personable member of the O'Hair clan. She was certainly pleasant to me, even after the unfortunate episode with her dog! At the time, I would never have believed she was just 24, since she possessed a self - confidence one rarely sees in someone so young. If she had been able to get free of her grandmother, she might have been able to accomplish great things with her life.

Instead, her legacy is simply to be know as "family". Such a waste.

Robin's father, William Murray, has stated publicly that he will not pray for his daughter's soul. "You cannot pray them out of hell," he said. I suppose that it is theologically sound for the religious to hold the belief that all atheists burn in hell, since heaven is supposed to be the exclusive reward of the faithful.

However, I am reminded of an old story I once heard about a man named George, who was absolutely convinced that God didn't exist. As the story goes, George rose each morning and proclaimed, "God isn't real!". He then spent the entire day repeating this to anyone who would listen and, when he went to bed each night, he ended his day as he had begun it, proclaiming "God isn't real!"

When he died, he found himself before the gates of Heaven, where God was waiting. "Hello, George! How nice to see you've finally arrived! Come inside and meet the Mrs.!"

George was dumbfounded! "This can't be happening! I always believed you didn't exist! Everyday I said that you weren't real! How can I get into Heaven now?"

God laughed and opened the gates to Heaven. "Yes, you did, didn't you. Well, that's why you're here. You were thinking about me all the time!

The moral, of course, is that keeping God constantly in one's thoughts, even in a negative way, is better than not thinking of Him at all. Perhaps God can even forgive atheism, as long as the atheist is truly devout in his conviction. If that is true, then certainly Robin, her grandmother and her uncle, would be excellent candidates for redemption!

Which leaves us with the final, unanswerable question: Where is Robin now? Was her grandmother right, and there is nothing left of her, save for memories? Or is her father right, and she now lives eternally in a hellish chimney - like city, driven into insanity by heat and cruelty?

Or has she been transformed into a goldfish, frolicking in a floating palace that drifts on a tranquil sea?

Until we all arrive we she is now, we'll never know. But then...perhaps there is a far more important question for us, the living, to answer.

Where do we want her to be?

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